Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
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JOKES
not shocking but funny
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished. The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger..."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished. The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger..."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
.... 
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you
always
>>
>> so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
>>
>> Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning
>> before work.
>>
>> "Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
>> every morning.
>>
>> That's easy," Robert said. I just tell her this little poem that I
>> made up. She loves it! It goes like this:
>>
>>
>> Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue.I love waking up and making love
>> to you!"
>>
>>
>> Tyrone, amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and
>> crap...."
>>
>> But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.So he spent the rest
>> of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
>>
>> The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised
>> eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
>>
>> Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
>>
>>
>> Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice
>> that's all. I just told her a poem....
>>
>>
>> "Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told him:
>>
>>
>> Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...
>> If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog."
Man just buys a new harley. He realizes when it rains the seat on the bike gets wet and he slips off all the time. So he goes back to the dealership and asks the salesman about the problem, and the salesman tells him to get a jar of vasoline, and use the vasoline on the seat when it looks like its going to rain. So the man proceeds to get a jar of vasoline for those rainy days.
Next day his girlfriend calls and asks him to dinner, with her parents. But she warns the man, "you can't speak a word at the dinner table, or else you will have to do the dishes" and dishes haven't been done over a month. So he agrees and starts to head over to his girlfriends house on his brand new harley. He arrives and enters the house, and finds his spot at the dinner table. Looking across the table to the kitchen he sees the dishes piled up, 3 feet high. So he thinks to himself, if noone can talk, then why couldn't I just nail my gf right here at the table, so he grabs his girl, and mounts her right there at the kitchen table. Both parents stay still and continue eating as if nothing was happening. He finishes, and thinks to himself, man this is great, and starts to think how pretty his girls mom is. So he decides why not, so he reaches over grabs the mom and mounts her right there at the table as well. The rest of the family stays silent, focused on their food, knowing the dishes fate if they speak.
The man finishes his business, and thinks, what a life. Just as that thought is going through his head, he looks out the window and realizes, its starting to rain, so he pulls out his vasoline, and all of a sudden the dad stands up and screams......"Alright, I will do the dishes!!!!"
Next day his girlfriend calls and asks him to dinner, with her parents. But she warns the man, "you can't speak a word at the dinner table, or else you will have to do the dishes" and dishes haven't been done over a month. So he agrees and starts to head over to his girlfriends house on his brand new harley. He arrives and enters the house, and finds his spot at the dinner table. Looking across the table to the kitchen he sees the dishes piled up, 3 feet high. So he thinks to himself, if noone can talk, then why couldn't I just nail my gf right here at the table, so he grabs his girl, and mounts her right there at the kitchen table. Both parents stay still and continue eating as if nothing was happening. He finishes, and thinks to himself, man this is great, and starts to think how pretty his girls mom is. So he decides why not, so he reaches over grabs the mom and mounts her right there at the table as well. The rest of the family stays silent, focused on their food, knowing the dishes fate if they speak.
The man finishes his business, and thinks, what a life. Just as that thought is going through his head, he looks out the window and realizes, its starting to rain, so he pulls out his vasoline, and all of a sudden the dad stands up and screams......"Alright, I will do the dishes!!!!"
It was a few minutes before the services started.
The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly.
Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each
other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.
He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy
was in front of him.
Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I
am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the! old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY
for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of
me"?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied, "Been
married
to your sister for over 52 years."
The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly.
Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each
other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.
He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy
was in front of him.
Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I
am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the! old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY
for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of
me"?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied, "Been
married
to your sister for over 52 years."
-
discgolfer_1999
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2004 10:25 am
- Location: Overland Park, Kansas
Anger Management:
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a
phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her
phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'
number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I
had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my
black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said..again, without hanging up. He yelled, "If I ever
find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on
West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a
phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her
phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'
number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I
had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my
black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said..again, without hanging up. He yelled, "If I ever
find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on
West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!
>>Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, KSN Networks is
>>planning to do
>its own show entitled: "Survivor, Kansas Style".
>
>
>
>The contestants will start in Wichita, travel west to Pratt,? Garden
>City and up to Colby.? From there they will head over to Hays,? down
>to
>Great
>Bend, up through Salina and then on to Concordia.? They will then
>proceed to Marysville down to Topeka, then south to Fort Scott and
>Pittsburgh
>west through Independence, Arkansas City,
>Wellington and back up to Wichita.
>
>
>
>Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a New Jersey license plate
>and large
>bumper stickers that read "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go
>Duke",
>"Copenhagen is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2008", "Deer Hunting is
>Murder",
>"Say No to Budweiser", "I hate K-State Football",? "A Good High
>School Team
>Could Beat KU In Basketball",? "Go Bucknell"? and "I'm here to
>Confiscate
>Your Guns".
>
>
>
>The first one who makes it back to Wichita alive wins.
>
>>planning to do
>its own show entitled: "Survivor, Kansas Style".
>
>
>
>The contestants will start in Wichita, travel west to Pratt,? Garden
>City and up to Colby.? From there they will head over to Hays,? down
>to
>Great
>Bend, up through Salina and then on to Concordia.? They will then
>proceed to Marysville down to Topeka, then south to Fort Scott and
>Pittsburgh
>west through Independence, Arkansas City,
>Wellington and back up to Wichita.
>
>
>
>Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a New Jersey license plate
>and large
>bumper stickers that read "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go
>Duke",
>"Copenhagen is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2008", "Deer Hunting is
>Murder",
>"Say No to Budweiser", "I hate K-State Football",? "A Good High
>School Team
>Could Beat KU In Basketball",? "Go Bucknell"? and "I'm here to
>Confiscate
>Your Guns".
>
>
>
>The first one who makes it back to Wichita alive wins.
>